Dear Ego, it's not me — it's you.

// a messy new moon truth pt 2

What is a woman to do?
At 31 without a clue?
Who she is or who she was?
Was it ever real?
Was it ever love?

Ego deaths are no joke. I find myself thinking about my past… a lot.

Is this what happens when you become a mother?
Is it because I am now fully *in* my 30’s?
Is it because I am a 6/2 in Human Design & this is truly my season of “going on the roof”?

The 6 line is known to have 3 unique life phases, the 2nd beginning around age 30. In this phase, 6 lines will feel a deep desire to pull back from the chaos, live a more reserved & quiet life & focus their energy inward.

You can explore your own Human Design here.

Or, is this all just another soul contract I made with the Divine?

To me, the latter feels the most on brand.

This season of hardship, this whirlwind of a year, this breaking & rebuilding — is why I am here.

I know one of my life purposes is to turn my pain into poetry. To shine a light on the dark & let my story be a guide & a helping hand to others. (I know this from years of self discovery, from being realwithemma — &&& because I have been told by almost every healer, psychic, & tarot reader, lol).

But even though I know it, I tend to feel weird when I talk about myself in that way.

Saying things like “This is who I am! This is who I came here to be! This is my mission & purpose on earth! This is my destiny!”

It sounds so… self important. So… pompous? But the truth is, the proof is in the fcking pudding.

I am here with a larger purpose than just living my life & healing my own karmic patterns. This lifetime isn’t just about me. I am here for something bigger. Not necessarily better… just, bigger.

I only came to really learn this (I still struggle to accept this) when I had my spiritual awakening back in 2019. Which is when I dove head first into all the things — Astrology, Human Design, Numerology, you name it (but those are my top 3).

& within each of those practices I was shown that — yup, I am different.

& yup — I came here with a divine purpose (I mean, we ALL came here with a divine purpose but for me, my purpose is tightly linked to serving the collective).

I was born to be different.
I was born to be bold.
I was born to have opinions (strong ones) & to have deep feelings (lots of them).

& so I was born into a life that would put me through a lot of pain & hardship. Because through my own journey, my own battles, my own struggles — I would illuminate the path forward for others to follow.

A leader, some would call it.

It is no mistake that I have a fire within me that burns hot & wild (hello Sagittarius Sun, Moon, Mars, Mercury, Venus, North Node).

It is no mistake that the first 30 years of my life were spent struggling to find my way, find my purpose, find my passion & stay consistent in my career (hello 6/2 line Manifesting Generator).

It is no mistake that most of my struggles & my pain stem from my inner world, that I am overly self-critical, hyperaware of myself, how I am perceived & that my energy feels like both a blessing & a curse (hello life path 11).

MORE ON BEING A LIFE PATH 11:

“Because the 11 is so highly charged, you experience the consequences of a two-edged sword. You possess great abilities, but indulge in much self-reflection and self- criticism. You often feel highly self-conscious. You are aware on some level that you stand out. Even when you try to blend with your environment, you often feel conspicuous, alien, and out-of-place.

You are blessed with a message, or a specific role to play in life. But you must develop yourself sufficiently to take full advantage of that opportunity.”

Read full article on Life Path 11 here.

& it is no mistake that I have gone through ego death after ego death, never quite feeling like I have fully arrived in who I am (hello 3 Sag placements in my 8th house which is ruled by Pluto, the planet of destruction + death + rebirth & the sign of Scorpio, the sign of intensity & transformation)

I know that was a mouthful but let me tell you, it is just the tip of the iceberg.

But please know that in no way am I saying I am ~so special~ because of this.

I mean… wait.
No!
LOL…
I am special!
(see how good I am at I slipping negative self talk into everything I can?)

I am special.
I am special.
I am special.

& so are you.

Why is it that we believe if we claim we are special it is taking away from someone else’s ability to be special? I think that is why I push back at the thought. Because if me being special means someone else isn’t — then call me plain jane.

Anyways…

I am sharing all of this ^ because I have found myself as previously mentioned going through an intense ego death.

An ego death is described as: an experience in which you lose your sense of self by cultivating a deep sense of awareness.

It is something you don’t really have control over. It’s one of the most perfect examples of “once you see it — you can’t unsee it”.

It feels like a shattering of your current reality, leaving you feeling as though everything you knew & everything you were was a falsity. A lie. A story you told yourself based on what + who you thought you “should” be.

& what I have been shown within the last month has shaken me to my core.

What has made this ego death so hard & borderline unbearable is not just the loss of my sense of self — but the complete feeling of unease I feel when I think back to who I have been in the recent years.

In pt 1 of this little New Years series I laid it all on the table. I explained how right now I do not like who I am. I do not like myself. I do not like how I think, how I feel, how I act.

A lot of this has to do with social media. With being “realwithemma”. With the way that living a life online shaped the way I viewed the world but also my role in it.

There was once a time when I felt so deliciously good in myself, in my skin, in who I was. I wasn’t afraid to declare my opinion. I embodied the knowing that I WAS special. I took pride in it. I basked in it. I let it light my soul on fire. I let it light up my world.

But somehow someway over the years that light began to dim.
My flame began to wither.

I tried, OH DID I TRY.
To keep it up, to keep it warm, to keep it bright…

Because Emma is happy! Emma is healthy! Emma knows it all! She is a coach, is she not? She is a healer, is she not? She creates programs to help woman feel their best, does she not? Her whole platform began because she healed her self hatred & became her best most loving self, DID SHE NOT?

These past few weeks (the final weeks of 2024) came in hot & with zero remorse.

Because this ego death, this awakening, this reality check had a purpose to fulfill. To show me — that I was not acting out of love. I was not living in love. I was not embodying love, choosing love, inviting love, receiving love or even really giving love.

It came to show me that all the trying, all the doing — was only further suffocating me.

It showed me that I was living as a shell of who I once was. That I was doing the things to feel better, but not really.

Physically, mentally, I did them…yeah. The journaling, tarot pulls, meditations, manifestation lists, moon rituals, walks in nature, matcha lattes & morning green juice.

But spiritually? I was nonexistent.

I was lacking the love I was lacking the presence I was lacking the true devoted intention.

I was just going through the motions.

“Emma says this. Emma does that. Emma wants this. Emma believes that.”

Let me tell you… waking up to this realization was like a punch in the gut.

How could I? ME? Be living in such a place of misalignment?

& again, I can’t reallllly blame this on the pregnancy/postpartum season of my life (which crazy has now been since August of 2023) because this feeling of dissatisfaction, this robotic lights are on no one is home way of being — it began before the pregnancy.

I have a feeling that the process of becoming a mother is simply what pushed me further into this going through the motions form of existence, because let’s be real — more often than not in pregnancy (& postpartum) you are just trying to get through the day.

But whatever the reason, whenever it began, however long it lasted — doesn’t really matter to me now.

What matters is that I change it. Not because I have to fix myself “or else”.

But because I so deeply desire to feel good.
I so deeply desire to feel love for myself again.
I so deeply desire energetic alignment, oneness, & for my internal flame to shine bright once more.

& as I mentioned in pt 1 — I have been here before.
With an itch to get better too strong to be ignored.
I did it back then — in 2019.
A girl with a dream of who she could be.
To leave the guilt, fear & shame behind.
& learn to love food, her body + mind.

To be continued…

Xx, Emma