Happy wife happy life!

// reprogramming my mind to believe that my happiness & wellbeing is the best thing for my family.

Hi! Been a minute.

Making this short! Sweet! To the point!

I hope.

We are approaching Bennett’s first birthday (5 days away but who’s counting) and have found ourselves in one of the most chaotic, stressful, whirlwind seasons of his life so far.

Not only is Benny cutting all 4 of his molars (also I never heard the term “cutting” teeth until I became a mom) leaving his sleep an absolute mess & all over the place, but this past week he was hit with a head cold which only made the pressure in his cute little noggin that much worse, leaving him in more pain than I have ever seen.

All of Bennett’s ~issues~ right now has resulted in many sleepless nights & mental breakdowns for who? Mama. Because even when Casey goes in to take a night shift… Benny will scream louder once he realizes it isn’t me coming in to soothe him.

He is in the I want mama & only mama phase. Which in some moments is like omg! I love this. But in others, it makes me want to break down & sob because all I want is a moment to myself.

&&&&& on top of all that — we are moving in less than 2 weeks.

Yup. The pod container is in the driveway ready to be loaded but I am struggling BIG TIME to get the packing process going. Why you ask?

Well first, I am a classic procrastinator. The only thing that really motivates me is the ticking clock. The ADHD nuerospicy brain that God gave me doesn’t really care for getting ahead of things. It prefers to wait until there is no time left & no choice BUT to get it done.

However, I know that my nervous system (& my dear husband) cannot handle the last minute packing this time around so I am doing my very very best to start now.

Well, yesterday.

I started yesterday. & after a literal hour of “packing” only one box was filled.

Because… I have a one year old.

& yes I am blaming him but no he is not to blame. Yes, he is the reason I was unable to get much done — but what he was doing was all developmentally appropriate behavior.

This is the age where he wants to explore everything. Taste everything. He wants to deconstruct, toss & throw. & every 2-3 minutes decides that he needs to be in my arms ASAP or the world will end.

Here is the thing about having a one year old — there is a lot of chaos. The house is never clean. He is never fully satisfied. He wants independence but he also wants me there with him while he is being independent.

But, even though this age feels immensely challenging for someone like me who is struggling with postpartum rage BIG TIME (thank you lack of sleep & a shot nervous system) — I actually love this age more than any other because my son is literally coming to life before my eyes.

Every day there is a new part of him that emerges. A new interest, a new word, a new skill.

There are more cuddles, more giggles, more silliness.

When I watch Bennett go out into the world, interact with his cousins, his grandparents, with new toys & new environments my heart swells.

It feels like such a gift.

To watch him grow. To watch him evolve. To watch him become.

So yeah… I am very much on the verge of losing my sh*t at any given moment but I am also in awe of motherhood & the endless gratitude it brings me.

& I am sitting here right now typing this because I felt a strong urge to do so.

Bennett is down for a nap (oh did I mention we are also transitioning from two naps to one nap?) & I have an hour (hopefully two) to myself before I am back to full time mom mode.

& I hesitated to grab my laptop.

I hesitated to do this. Because this is something that is just for me. It doesn’t “help” the family or lessen the stressful load of this move. There is no physical tangible benefit to me writing right now.

Which had me stop & contemplate the choice to do it.

Because the house could use a tidying. The laundry needs to be turned over. The dogs need to be walked. The house needs to be packed.

Oh and me? I could use a good workout. I could finally pluck my eyebrows & wash my hair. Or I could answer my emails. Call back a friend.

I could do so many things right now.

But — my heart wanted to write.

So here I am.

That is a part of motherhood that no one can really prepare you for. The stress & constant weight of every decision you make. How you use YOUR time.

& the guilt that creeps in when you actually use your time — for you.

I am making a concerted effort in this phase of life to use MY time for me, unapologetically.

Because you know what?

Life is hard enough as it is right now.
There will ALWAYS be a mess to clean.
Laundry to fold.
Dogs to be walked.
Meals to be prepped.

But I know that if I let day after day go by without using any of my time for me?

I am in big trouble.

Not literally.

But energetically? Spiritually? Emotionally? Mentally? Yes.

When I let days or even weeks (this has happened) slip by without doing something for myself, showing up for myself, connecting with myself, honoring myself — I start to lose my spark. My glow. My connection. My anchor to all things love & light.

& I cannot, CANNOT afford for that to happen right now.

Life is too messy as it is. We don’t need a mama who is completely untethered, pessimistic & angry on top of it all.

So yeah. Today I am spending Bennett’s nap writing on here. Letting my thoughts & feelings float down from my head to my fingers & spill out onto this page.

I am sipping my 1/2 caf dandy blend latte & listening to the crackle of the fireplace video I have playing on youtube.

I am going to post this without overthinking it.
Grab a book & read for the rest of this down time.

BECAUSE… happy wife happy life is the truest thing I have ever heard.

I believe that mothers set the tone for the emotional well-being of the household so when you think about it, me writing, me reading, me relaxing, me BEing is in the best interest of the entire family.

& with that I am off.

Love to love you 🕊

Xx, Emma